What gets women off (part two)

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a epidemic of sexual dissatisfaction called Hysteria.  Women all over the place were getting it, the symptoms were vast and doctors were treating it by massaging the clitorises of their patients.  This method of treatment would result in what was then known as a paroxysm, or an orgasm, which would heal the multitude of ills in the hysteria potpourri. 

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A taboo subject: sex workers from the same family

1978 movie Pretty Baby publicity still* 

As Christmas is for family get-togethers, I occasionally ponder at this time of year, the place of sex workers within, or their relationships with, their families.  Lately I have been talking with a few sex workers who have other family members also in the industry. Even though there are many people from the same family working as sex workers all over the world, some people have the impression that this kind of situation is distasteful, comical, exploitative as well as arousing. 

In New Zealand and Australia, I knew and presently know many sex workers who are from the same family and although many sex workers receive support from friends and family members, we agreed that there is still a bit of a taboo however when two family members work as sex workers together or at the same time, 

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What gets women off (part one)

It's been widely concluded that it's harder for women to get aroused than men, and that it takes longer. That some women lose interest in sex. That some women have a lower libido overall than most men.

The thing is with (straight) men, a glimpse of bosom or derrière seems to be able to do it. It can fill them with instant desiring and lust.  Or horniness to be precise.

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Lady on lady sex work adventures

Golden Head by Golden Head, illustration by Dante Rossetti for Christina Rossetti's Goblin Market and Other Poems (1862)

Golden head by golden head,
Like two pigeons in one nest
Folded in each other's wings,
They lay down in their curtained bed

- Christina Rossetti in Goblin Market

It's not just men who enjoy sexy times with sex workers.

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Some men (who love their wives) visit escorts

Sometimes couples stay together because they really love each other and want to continue the personal investment they've made in their past and the family unit and home.

The monogamous ideas that have been passed down through the ages means that couple are obliged to only make love with each other until the end of their relationship. Yet the modern consensus agrees; why should a lady keep being intimate with her husband if she doesn't want to? (Playing devil's advocate here as I have my own opinions on the benefits of sex for women, specifically the benefits of orgasms).

Be honest - would you really enjoy having sex with your partner if she was not into it? Even though sometimes in marriage we do what we don't want to, a lot of men don't want to have sex with an unwilling partner so they don't force the issue.

But men still have needs, even an (incomprehensible to women) need for variety. That's why the sex industry exists. If a man has not left his wife, even though he sees escorts or his wife is no longer making love with him as often, it's because he still loves his wife or doesn't wish to disrupt the life they have built together. Good for him is what I say. 

Below is something that was sent to me by a man with the interesting distinction that he does not have sexual intercourse with sex workers.  This explains why and how he sees escorts.

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Ways to do sex work - part three (being a domme)

Dominique Stern, a character created by musician Gene Simmons

What a mysterious world the provision of domination and fetish services is.  It may be an area you'd consider exploring if you have an interest in certain kinks.  Sometimes it's a service that occasionally sex workers branch out into when they are wanting to go beyond full service sex work for one reason or another.  However, being a dominatrix is much, much more than the odd spank with a paddle, encompassing psychological components and sometimes delving deeply into the past of a client and storming into their psyches, occasionally into a dark place.

Art by Sardax

Just about every full service sex worker I know has had the same old guys doing the rounds, calling or texting them offering to be their house slaves.  That would be fine, but they are usually very poor cleaners, and to add insult to injury, they expect to have their fantasies of being dominated and humiliated (that is, crawling around in the nude cleaning our loos) indulged for free or in exchange for "cleaning."

It sounds all very temptingly easy, but there are dangers involved with domming. 

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Actresses on Mattresses

While sex workers can genuinely feel affection for some clients, there is usually an element of acting involved (as opposed to robotic and clinical sex work), whether it involves putting on a brave face when things are less than stellar in their private lives, or acting professionally pleasant when you just don't feel like it as is expected in many occupations, but also occasionally a bit of character acting. 

The phrase "actresses on mattresses" may be referring to sex workers' skills with PSE and GFE, but I like to think that one of the most fun aspects of sex work is participating in a random fantasy of someone else.

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What it's like to be the only one

Stephanie Hunter - Australian Escort (click on images to enlarge)

I've been in touch with a few escorts from Australia as well as one or two kiwi escorts now working over the ditch.  It seems that even though our laws are similar, that is, that penetrative oral sex must also be covered, in recent times, in Australia sex workers have begun to mostly offer unprotected oral sex (known as BBBJ*).  

My colleague Stephanie Hunter is one of the few independent Australian escorts who do not offer BBBJ and she has established herself as a high-end escort.  She is an international travel companion, escort, call girl.  But it wasn't always like this, so I asked her to provide a history of the industry in her view, to tell me her story. 

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Writing

Everyday I write the book by Elvis Costello
I once met a music industry dude who I enjoyed discussing the art of playlists with.  I boldly asked him to compile a mix tape for me off the top of his head based on what he knew of me.  Second on his playlist was one of my favourites, Everyday I Write The Book by Elvis Costello and the Attractions.  Nice choice.

I have always loved words, the sound of them, the meaning.

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Is your heart safe?

La Belle Dame Sans Merci, painted by Sir Frank Francis Bernard Dicksee

Can sex work involve real affection or is one or both parties just being played?

I don't consider whatever feelings I've ever had or that have ever been declared to me during sex work 'true love', whatever the fuck that is, but I think the euphoria is a blissful experience to be enjoyed while it lasts, made from the chemistry of two people who initially hit it off in the boudoir, and it can grow over time into a friendship.  Clients are not really seen by sex workers nowadays as cardboard cutout clients as a whole,

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Me as Mrs Jones, a MILF

MILF, Ms O'Hara, has a thing going on with a number of young and young-at-heart men

My non-Amber, slightly frumpy, mother-next-door self lives a double life as an insatiable MILF and this little secret injects a huge amount of spice into my life.

As Amber, I am ready in my boudoir wearing tiny corsets, stockings and sometimes long leopard-patterned fuck me boots with dangerously high heels.  Sometimes I wear a faux fur coat, which I am happy to urgently remove, revealing my delicate smalls.  I love to look through my wardrobe and choose from my lingerie, stockings and little dresses.  I have my favourites: fishnet thigh-highs are pleasing to run my hands over, as well as symbolic of bad girls, and anything black and lacy is elegant yet racy, perfect for my mood.

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Pleasure

Poor is the man*

Whose pleasures depend

On the permission of another

From Justify My Love by Madonna © 2006 WMG

Pleasure, according to a book I have been reading about women and aging, is something women deny themselves far more than is good for us.  Apparently there is something that is released in our bodies called Nitric Oxide (which is different from Nitrous Oxide, "laughing gas") when we laugh, orgasm, are in the flow of something we enjoy etc.  This quality, nitric oxide, is healing and anti-aging.

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Touring Roundup

The Canterbury Plains from the air

I have recently completed a wee bit of touring and I thought I would post a few thoughts here.

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Ways to do sex work - part two (touring)

Beautiful Kaikoura on the east coast of the South Island, view from the beach during a brief train stop

Touring sex workers are a not-so-modern phenomenon but since the Prostitution Reform Act (2003) in New Zealand we are able to tour and sell our services in a much more organised manner.

I personally love to tour: I love to explore my beautiful country, in which I was fortunate to be born and therefore have free range of within the law and can come and go from as I please. I also like to meet men in different parts of the country, in their own environment, and love to discuss their local situation and gather tidbits about certain predominant industries within the various regions I visit, a great way to increase my general knowledge and have first hand information when related news items are published.

And while you can't really lump a group of people together by race or region, I do notice similarities with men from the same area, probably coincidental, but maybe not:

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Exit: Stage Left

There comes a time in a sex worker's life when, despite the lovely harem of men who are her willing clients, she sometimes thinks that she has had enough of fucking for money.  It may not be a feeling that comes on suddenly, like an epiphany, instead it may be a slowly evolving feeling of job dissatisfaction.  We all have off-days, but if the off-days are more than the on-days, it may be time to consider other options.

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Sex Workers' Supporters: Please take a bow

 Sex work: sometimes it really is fields of daisies and buttercups.  Painting by John William Waterhouse.
Frequently during discussions about sex work, the subject is raised of bitches and bitchiness among sex workers.  Perhaps images of girls pillow fighting while wearing skimpy underwear is tantilising, and often there are suggested scenarios of "professional jealousy" causing cat fights or other dastardly, non-violent deeds designed to sabotage working opportunities by those who believe they are above actual violence, or outright scraps, plenty of which happened back in the day among ship girls.  I'm not denying these things happen, but overall, the sex industry is a pretty supportive environment in New Zealand this century.
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Fifty Shades of Fucked Up*

 

NOT a scene from the film but these are the male and female leads.  

*"Fifty Shades of Fucked Up" is how the character Christian Grey describes himself.

I did not leave the cinema totally disappointed, I have sat through worse films than Fifty Shades of Grey.  This is a nice little film.  It is ok.  It is not great.  But it is almost perfect for its market.

No, its market is not people who work in BDSM or who know anything about BDSM - it isn't really about actual BDSM in any way, other than that the lead male character has a room full of "proper" BDSM gear, as you'd expect from any man of means who has a hobby.  This film is no more BDSM than the film Pretty Woman is a realistic depiction of street-based sex workers, I'm sure it was not pretending to be otherwise. 

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Loving relationships: can a sex worker have it all?

"I loved you since I knew ya, I wouldn't talk down to ya"...*

I've known sex workers since I began working as a teenager who have been in long term relationships with people since before they were sex workers, as well as relationships which started while they were sex workers with their clients and with men who were not their clients, and obviously relationships which began after they stopped being sex workers.  Relationships and searching for love is what some of us do or attempt to do.  Some work out, some don't.  Some men don't even realize their partners are or once were sex workers.  

It's complicated.

Regarding relationships, I can only be objective (or can I?) about the ones I've had.

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Must we mature sex workers still lie about our age?

A guest contributor on my blog last year wrote in favour of mature ladies, acknowledging the benefits of more experience and knowledge of the wonders of a woman’s sexuality. While agreeing with this, as an “enlightened” (or I could say mature) woman who now feels okay about being real about my age – and a certain enlightenment or clarity comes to every woman over time about who she is and what she likes – I think older women as well as obviously younger women, whose sexual awareness is unfolding, are both worthy of celebration for separate but connected reasons.

....

Sexual awakening is a fluid thing for both women and men and there is a woman of the right age and related kind of beauty for any man and what he wishes to contribute to the sexual union of the moment (or not contribute – a man does not necessarily owe a sex worker anything other than money. Sex work is totally obligation-free). There is such charm in women who allow themselves to feel beautiful regardless of age and women of all ages can provide sexual excitement for men. Have we come to a place in society where we can find mature ladies with all their experiences sexy yet?

These are some excerpts from something I wrote as a guest blogpost for the fabulous Australian website, Scarlet Blue.

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Ways to do sex work - part one (cam work)

My new occasional series about selling sex happily coincides with the impending release of a film about cam models (ladies who interact with paying and non-paying internet customers via web cams). It is kind of like live porn, being largely user-directed and featuring a solitary actor (it is quite complicated to do it with more than one person as every person must be registered with the cam model site they are using). The film is called Cam Girlz

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Sex work, mental health and sex addiction

From the show The Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze by Max Gimblett

I found it interesting when a sex worker I am acquainted with wrote that her father, on finding out she was a sex worker, enquired as to how she was going to safe guard her soul.  He could just as easily have asked how she was going to protect herself from the mental health issues which are sometimes thrown into the interesting petri-dish of the wider sex work environment.  While I do not intend to imply that sex work causes everyone to need straight jackets, it is a situation affecting a small percentage of sex workers that can not be denied.

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Men love to look

How to hold the attention of men*

There comes an interesting time in the lives of young women when we realise the effect that our body has on men.  It could be when out of the corner of our eye, we see that male head is turned as we totter across the road in our first high heels, parenthetically wiggling our hips.  Or it could be when we notice that every boy we come across can not take his eyes from our white school blouse, and if we undo the top two buttons, they become completely transfixed.  A little flash of our blossoming bosom accompanied by a shy smile, and he's all ours, at least for that moment.

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Is your New Year's resolution to have more sex?

Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut 

In 1999, Stanley Kubrick released his last film, Eyes Wide Shut, which starred Kidman and Cruise, 'a Hollywood couple whose marriage was in trouble, about a New York couple whose marriage was in trouble.'  It was famous for an orgy scene, but in the subtext of the film, it's really about a couple whose eyes are shut to their own sexuality/the sexual reality within their relationship (or the husband is having some kind of bad dream to that effect).  It seems a little cruel, that under the circumstances (of their relationship about to break up), the lead actors were laid literally so bare.

A mismatch of libidos will often only rear its head as an issue after the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over.

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