Sunday, 14 December 2014

Fear of Fifty

Flidais, my favourite Celtic Goddess, of a voracious sexual appetite

Part of us wants to love like the goddesses -- coldly and capriciously. Part of us owes allegiance to Kali, eating her lover and attaching his skull to her waist. Part of us wants to love like Juno, scooping up mortal men, toying with them, then letting them go, turning them, in parting, into caves for the sea to crash through, great phallic stones, or even, if we are merciful, swine. Part of us wants to be Athena and Diana -- who need no lovers, who have intellect and marksmanship instead.
Erica Jong, Fear of Fifty.

Fantastic!  I no longer have a fear of fifty.  In fact, I'm celebrating in public.

It's so strange how we fear our age.  Clients say to me, "isn't it a shame, how sex workers feel a need to reduce their ages in their advertising?"  In fact, I could not agree more, despite the need for privacy for safety reasons, although it could be to appeal to the vanities of our perceived "target market" as much as anything.  Do we fear disclosing our ages because we are worried people will judge and think we should not still be enjoying sex work?  Would it be worse as a sex worker for it to mostly be obvious how long we have actually been on this earth, or to be obvious how many years ago sex work should have been left behind?  One is powerful, the other rather disempowering.  I now believe as sex workers we should celebrate our age, be honest about it - for this honesty causes us to attract the right clients for us.  Since I publicly acknowledged my age, I have had more new clients than I had even when I was new on the scene, and they have all been wonderful.

Commonality, being able to relate and connect with each other, is a big plus in sex work.  And as it turns out, it's what clients who prefer mature sex workers mostly want (besides intimate sex of course).  Shared youth, favourite songs from back in the day, knowledge of events: where were you when you heard John Lennon had been killed? Or heard that Elvis had died? Were you against the tour or for it?  Did you go to London for your OE straight after you left school or leave it for a few years?  Did you ever live in Bondi? Did you march for the Homosexual Law Reform bill to be passed or did you not believe in public protests? Etcetera.

Interestingly, I had a client not so long ago who was a business analyst.  He went around to businesses telling them how to improve.  I asked him in passing at the end of our booking, "So, what would you suggest to me as a sex worker to improve my business?"  He immediately began his advice with "I can tell you already know this, but your clients don't come to you just for sex."  What a great answer!

At my age, I do know a thing or two about sex, intimacy, pleasure, connection.  But I also have a wide experience with different kinds of people, of all ages.

"It's all too beautiful..." (1967)

So to celebrate my half a century, I'm making a special mix tape.  Yes - remember mix tapes?  It's what we did back in the day.  We made mix tapes for our friends and lovers.  I still have some which I listen to, remembering the boy of the day, and the songs we listened to, and how cool we used to be.  (We still are cool.)

With music we seduced or were seduced.  So I intend to make a mix tape of the favourite songs which were released between 1967 (Itchycoo Park above) and 1994 (Scorpio Girls below) both songs which are part of my memories but which won't be included in my mix tape.  During these 27 years, people around my age were having their earliest memories of music, some of which was used to make memories, kind of a soundtrack of our lives.

Please send me your song titles, you may even choose to tell me what it meant to you, and I will purchase the track from iTunes and consider the order in which they should be played, as all good mix tape creators would do.  We would use music to set a mood, carefully building up to a crescendo and then releasing.  I reserve the right to exclude any songs I truly hate or which don't fit anywhere.  

To listen to the complete "tape" on my ipod, come and visit me.

"Scorpio Girls..." (1994)

Song titles which are meaningful to you can be sent to my email, texted to my phone 022 0748964 or left in the comments below.  

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Safe Sex (Work) for Sex Workers

I have to say we're pretty darned lucky in countries like New Zealand where sex work is 100% legal because it means that if anyone tries to harm us, the cops are on our side. Absolutely fabulous situation, it means exactly that because there is the threat, of the long arm of the law who will back us, hopefully ever-present in the minds of any ratbags who might think it's ok to injure us ladies who are carrying out a much-needed service for men and women in our society.

Those countries who are not into legalising sex work are putting a whole group of sex workers and clients at risk as well as causing people to take their safety (or after the fact, revenge) into their own hands, not always very intelligently. Blood on the hands of the lawmakers, as far as I can see.

When you boil it down, all crime is just a case of extreme bad manners, and for some of us who depend on manners and experiences of social niceties to guide behaviour, one can find crime difficult to tolerate. Particularly crime or attempted crime against anyone toiling in the vocation of sex work, which I consider a noble and highly specialised calling.

So to counter such bad form, the subject of safe sex work has to be raised in order to discuss some different ways to deal with it. This is because, even though it is legal, there are still some among us who can attempt to push us up against the fence metaphorically speaking as they try to force sex workers into services not on offer at one end of the spectrum and physical harm and murder at the other, both actions based on extreme disrespect for or even hatred of sex workers.

I don't think it's possible to change such attitudes towards sex workers even with a law change, this change must happen one person at a time and it is up to each person to take responsibility on their own or face the consequences. But there is to a degree more speaking out about this issue, whether it is the young women who march against "slut-shaming" or the outspoken comments by advocates for sex work who speak out and comment on crimes against sex workers when the media needs a soundbite.

So how does one keep oneself safe when one is naked in a room with a person who by virtue of their gender is physically stronger than us? Many women have a variety of methods such as panic buttons and even concealed weapons such as knives and I even know a sex worker who pokes hat pins, a Victorian self-defence strategy, into the sides of her mattress and under her pillows within easy reach should the occasion require that she employ them. Yes, the humble hat pin, what damage could that do? As far as I know, she has not had to use them. However, it gives her a quiet confidence to know where they are if things get out of hand.

I've had one or two close encounters myself with unsafe people, so maybe I'm a bit more alert than some. So imagine my annoyance when recently someone tried to overstep the bounds of my sexual entertainment and it looked like it could result in a situation where I was forced to do something against my will. Strangely a battle of wills turned into a minor tussle and in this case the booking ended safely - of course I did have other options if it had not, no, not a hat pin, but here is hoping a potentially unsafe booking never needs for it to come to that. This is the thing - no troublemaker ever really does know for sure the resources a sex worker (or her contacts) have for keeping herself safe.

Like all sex workers I'm aware that the tables can turn quickly during a perfectly normal booking. For this reason I recommend that all sex workers trust their intuition when taking bookings from clients, on meeting clients and of course taking control if situations look to be taking a turn for the worse, as I mentioned above.

Above all else, take care of your health and fitness, and stay sober at work, as you may need to call on your physical resources and if your fitness is impaired it could be troublesome. If you ever need to make a run for it, be confident that you can. Also work with other ladies, network and share information and look out for each other, as you'd like to be looked out for.

With unknown clients avoid certain sex positions like having your ankles behind your head which can render you vulnerable or even powerless to stop "accidental Greek".

Be strong. Sports like judo are good as you can use the strength of the opponent against them.  Also look out for women's self-defence courses, particularly run by women. If you ever have a life and death situation where you can't talk yourself out of it or run away from it, hopefully you're able to put up a good fight and are confident to fight dirty should the occasion call for it. We do have a right to be outraged by what I call "bad manners".

Read positive news stories of women who have survived and escaped dangerous men. I have a self-defence teacher friend who collects clippings of this nature for her students, and I once read about an elderly woman whose home was invaded by a man who attempted to rape her but she managed to stall him by offering to make him a cup of tea and have a chat which distracted him enough for her to call for help. It sounds too simple but here was a woman who survived by thinking on her feet.

(Apparently there is also a small percentage of sex workers as well who try something on which is unsavoury and threatening.  Post PRA, even clients are safer when said unscrupulous sex worker - and/or her boyfriend - tries it on, as was recounted to me recently by a client who used his common sense in that situation.)

I have written this post not to shame clients or spook sex workers but also without enough information for an impolite client to get ideas from and run with. The reality is that it is a small percentage of men who have bad intentions when they see sex workers but at ones place of work we have a right to feel safe and not deal with clients who are ill-mannered to any degree.

This post is also NOT intended to belittle, blame or in any way trivialise the sex workers who did not mentally, emotionally or physically survive attacks made on them in the course of this work. Rather I intend to provoke discussion about being and keeping safe in a hopefully empowering way in a job which occasionally feels like Russian roulette, as it's partly the luck of the draw if a dangerous (a sliding scale) client happens to select (or even target on an ongoing basis) a particular sex worker.

So if we seem overly protective of ourselves, for example, not answering calls from blocked numbers or not giving out our address till the very last minute or expressing annoyance or alarm when certain physical boundaries are pushed to do with our service on offer, yes, maybe we are a little paranoid. However protecting ourselves, even with the law on our sides, is often a balancing act unable to be understood by anyone who is not voluntarily naked in a small, isolated space (a car, a room) with someone more powerful than themselves.

Given that sex work is a service generally with honest intentions, we should all be concerned about sex workers who are forced out of the industry temporarily or even permanently by fear of incidents in or out of the room (including fear caused by stalkers, which can sometimes even include the ever present threat of being outed by the stalker). It can be like a jungle in here sometimes. To say its a muddle is an understatement: it's enough to do your head in if you let it.

In the end though, while it's up to sex workers to empower ourselves so that we can be confident in our rooms, as humans, it's also up to the law to protect us.

Spare a thought for countries where sex work is still illegal or countries which support the Nordic model, where, while supposedly NOT allowing women to be "exploited", by the very act of driving sex work underground because of the law, sex workers who choose to attempt to make an honest living from the resource which is their sexuality are even more like sitting ducks while behind closed doors in a room with a man who is himself taking great risks, essentially breaking the law, to participate in this transaction.

God bless Tim Barnett and the 60 politicians who outvoted the other 59 to decriminalise prostitution in New Zealand, giving us sex workers one less thing to worry about.

Friday, 21 November 2014

Safe Sex (Play) for Clients

This long post was originally written for a sex industry association with the brief How Not to Pick the Wrong Sex Worker and the tagline "warning signs for clients". It has been adapted for my blog.

Is there a wrong type of service provider or only a wrong type of service provider for you? Choosing the wrong type of service provider* could put a client in a rather unsafe situation, but I believe that a lot of safe but bad service turns out to be that the consumer has chosen the wrong service provider for his sexual needs and personal requirements.

So essentially spotting the wrong type of service provider means that one must know what the right type of service provider would look like for you. I think we should always strive for optimal purchasing experiences with whatever we buy in life, we all want value for money, whether or not we are buying something tangible like a phone (will I be able to save details about my callers or check my favourite websites online, does it take great photos and file them well? etc etc) or buying time with a lady for a sexual service (will I be able to have sex more than once, does she kiss, will she let me do things that are a bit kinky, and will she let me go do down on her? etc etc). If we ask the right questions, we will get the right answers.

So first of all, when planning to book a lady, think about the obvious things - are you attracted to her? Do you like the look of her photos? Does the thought of being with her turn you on? What age group do you have in mind? Hair colour? Bust size, body type etc? These should all be fairly obvious in her advertisement and photos.

The second thing to think about, once you’ve established that you like a “type”, is to consider what kind of service you want. Do you just want a massage and perhaps a happy ending - ending in a hand job? Or would you like to go for full service - ending in sex? If you only want a massage, then look for someone who specialises in sensual massage. There is no point going to someone who provides full service if you are only wanting a massage, unless her ad specifies that she also offers specific sensual massage.

I could really do with a flow chart to illustrate what I am saying, because if you decide on full service, then you need to decide what you want besides just the sex. Would you like a lady who will cuddle you and kiss you with an open mouth and tongue (french kiss?) Would you like to be able to perform oral sex on her? Would you like to try something a bit different, some tie and tease, lots of positions, play with some sex toys, do something a bit raunchier than you’ve ever done before but not necessarily with a cuddly lady or involving much kissing and intimacy? The first scenario, with french kissing and oral sex on her is known as GFE (girl friend experience) and the second scenario, the slightly raunchier one, is known as PSE (porn star experience). Some sex workers also offer additional services such as Greek (anal sex).

Now that you can be clearer on what you want, you can properly read the ads of sex service providers to see which ones provide what you want, and which ones are a bit more incongruent. Sometimes ladies write things which they think will sound appealing but they don’t actually provide that service. For example if a lady promises GFE but does not provide kissing or mutual oral, it is not GFE. If you do not want to kiss or perform oral sex on her, it is not such a problem. But if you do, this is your first warning sign.

A word about condoms. It is legal to be a sex worker in New Zealand but only if condoms are used. This includes for oral sex. Do not attempt to remove or break the condom. Also, avoid sex workers who offer or allow sex without a condom (it is highly unlikely that this would be advertised). This is an unprofessional and illegal attitude and you could be subjected to a number of painful and embarrassing sexual infections, some of which are permanent and AIDS of course, is eventually fatal.

Hopefully you will be able to read some ads and, armed with your list of must-haves, end up with a shortlist of ladies you would like to spend time with who are all within your budget.

The next thing to do would be to scan their ads for anything that rules them out. Remember, you are clear on what you want. Is there anything in their ad that says they will not do some of the things you feel you really need to make your experience as optimal as possible? If kissing is a biggie, does she list kissing as “at her discretion”? Also check her prices - does the price say “GFE” $XXX? Remember, GFE is supposed to include kissing, so this will need to be clarified, or you could take it as a sign that all may not be as it seems.

Actually checking the price list is always a good idea, because some ladies divide their services up for example, with a base price for full service, but then other services such as kissing, oral, dress-ups, role-play etc may have an additional charge. So if you don’t pay the extra for kissing, your full service could be plainly sex, which you may not find very satisfying. On the other hand, if you just want sex and cuddling without kissing, that may suit you fine.

Double check the images. How well do they show the lady? Do they feel honest or look like they have been overly photoshopped? Sometimes you can tell a lot about the lady by looking at the room. Does it look shabby? I saw some images of a lady recently and you could see piles of junk in the edges of her photos and under her bed, not nice. That told me that the lady was not interested in creating a beautiful environment for her clients to come to, so maybe she would not take pride in her personal appearance for her clients either.

Most ladies don’t show their faces for privacy or safety reasons so their faces may be blurred or cropped out. This doesn’t necessarily mean she’s unattractive, but if you see a lady with a beautiful face in her ad and she ticks all the other boxes, well, you may well have found your lady. As well as that, identifying features such as tattoos (also referred to in advertisements as “tasteful body art”) will sometimes not be visible. If you don’t mind tattoos, then this is probably not an issue, but if tattoos are something you would prefer not to confront, look in the ad for any reference to them being removed from the photos for privacy reasons.

The next thing to do is to check whether she wants you to make contact by text or phone or any other preferred means, eg, email. Now is your chance to clarify all the points you are not sure about. Don’t make contact if you are not serious about making a booking in the near future. Sex workers are generally too busy to be to-ing and fro-ing with someone who is not intending to book. Be clear on what you need to ask and make that call.

If your preferred sex worker does not immediately answer the phone or return a text, this is not necessarily a warning sign. Rather it probably indicates that she is a popular lady. Eventually you will get hold of her, so you can clarify the prices and services are what you require. (Note, don’t ask her to describe herself or tell you what she does - she will have expected you to read her ad where it will be listed.) If you don’t like her attitude on the phone, take that as a warning sign that she is probably not the girl for you. But you have come this far - if she sounds warm and confirms that she does indeed offer the services that you desire, take the plunge and make that booking. If you’ve done your homework and she ticks all the boxes, you are likely to have a great time and receive exactly the service that you have been wanting and needing.

* A word of warning: there is a very small percentage of sex workers who are the wrong type of service providers, ie dishonest and threatening and I recently spoke to a man who was "stung" as he put it.  He had a normal booking with someone who he had paid up front and who, at the end of the booking, demanded he pay more.  She threatened him that she would go to the police if he did not pay extra.  If I understood correctly, her boyfriend was also present in the house.  Full praise to this man, who paid the extra money without a fuss, and then drove straight to the police station to make a complaint.  His complaint was treated in full confidence and the police were able to sort out the situation.  To involve the police is always the right thing to do if a client ever comes across a situation which makes them feel unsafe.

Friday, 14 November 2014

Is tantric sex desirable or even advisable with a sex worker?

It's no secret that one of my favourite "types" of sex is the tantric kind: a kind of slow, meditative, close and not necessarily climactic linking of two people. It's indulgent: like savouring every mouthful - flavour, texture and sensation - of your favourite kind of food or wine and thoughtfully appreciating it even once it has been swallowed or even digested.

So in a world of fast and urgent fucks, where thirsts are quenched and itches are scratched, and sex is erotically enjoyed as a transaction (nothing at all wrong with this, in fact it's mostly pretty hot) is there a place for something more indulgent, and are there any downsides?

Of course the answer is yes and also I'm afraid yes, there can be downsides but if managed, they can also be minimalised so that a crossover into erotic intimacy of the tantric kind really can be enjoyed. In sex work, based on my own experience, the "downside" must be consciously managed and the downside can happen because even the most experienced and professional sex workers are generally not robots.

The downside is similar to what happens when you overindulge in your favourite food or wine and get a little high. Sex is a natural high so that's ok, you might think, but what goes up must come down and this is where the conscious management must happen. A sex worker could very well be convinced she is in love with a client and vice versa, and while love does happen during sex work and sometimes the client/sex worker relationship evolves towards a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship - and I have seen true love happen - more often than not, a fall back down to earth on ones behind with a thud eventuates when the client finds a non-sex working girlfriend in real life, or stays with his wife (obviously there is nothing wrong with either of these scenarios) or whatever even after a significant amount of time in a series of sex work transactions which felt so comfy it almost felt like an affair and where maybe the idea of a future together had been floated in the heat of the moment.  The cynic in me wonders if that's why the film Pretty Woman didn't have a sequel.

The natural inclination when one gets high from something - people, places and things, is to want more of it and to try to hold onto it for as long as possible. It's kind of nice to have a few sexy texts back and forth after a booking, thanking each other for the great time as we ease back into our regular activities and maybe planning another passionate rendezvous.

We sex workers are only human, and considering the number of clients we see, there is bound to be a percentage who push our buttons more than others. And during tantric sex, where eyes are looked into, time is taken to appreciate delicious bodily feelings and mind, body and soul connect, confusing non-professional feelings can arise. So what to do?

Keep it real. As lovely as we may be, we must remember it is still a legal transaction where a service has happened and our client has not really fallen for us hook, line and sinker. Clients of sex workers are paying for time within a fixed timeframe. Lingering feelings are for memories - not for fantasising wildly about a coupling.

Stay in the moment. Actually this is essential to the tantric experience. While women who don't necessarily want to have sex have admitted compiling grocery lists while fucking either actively or passively with their partners, or "thinking of England" to pass the time, to get the best from everything in life, it's great to feel it at the time and stay in the moment. During sex, to notice and enjoy the movement or stillness of each part of the body while also actively being aware of what else you can see, hear, taste and smell brings about a connection like no other. Likewise when it is over, there is something else to be aware of and enjoy - separateness and being in a new environment alone or with someone else but now with a nice memory of what was just experienced.

Be aware of what the deal was. (Mostly) the client was looking for an optimal sexual experience or something different to what he is used to with a responsive and willing woman. For one reason or another, even if he has a partner, this was not available so he went to see a sex worker. During great sex, an intimate connection happens, which is nice. As I have said, more than this was not what was paid for or asked for however.

So what is tantric sex? I've saved this for last because it can really be something special and I wanted to take my time getting there to explain my understanding and experience. Anyone who has read this far past the waffle about the "dangers" of intimate connection is clearly interested and has the required patience. Because the aim of tantric sex is to enable a deeper connection between couples and as patience is needed for this, it's generally not something on offer by sex workers where the most popular services de jour are pornstar experience and girlfriend experience.

So tantric sex takes time, at least two hours is nice, so that every feeling can be felt which prolongs consciousness of what the body/mind/soul is experiencing. Awareness of ones partner includes their breathing, and gazing into each other's eyes can take each participant beyond merely the physical. Orgasm may be delayed or not even reached intensely or it may be almost extended.

The point of tantric is not necessarily even to experience orgasm, which is another reason why tantric is not really a sex work staple. To prevent or deal with blue balls, (only people with balls know if that actually is a thing - what I really mean is to finally have a much-needed orgasm with another person) is most often the reason for seeing a sex worker.

If I could sum up tantric sex, I would say it's the equivalent of sexually taking time to smell the roses. How sweet roses smell to me.

Friday, 7 November 2014


One thing sex workers seem to fear most is being outed, or an aspect of their lives being outed, and interestingly it is probably the most well-used threat some sex workers make against others. However, quite often sex workers let things slip, for example by their lifestyles or in conversations with their friends, which inadvertently reveals that they are or have been on the game.

Below is a piece written by a friend, who happens to occasionally enjoy the company of working girls. I am publishing this here with his permission.

So you're a sex worker and you'd rather people outside of the industry don't know or won't know about your sex work. Well here's a few things to think about. These are things that while not being much on their own, with a bit of inductive reasoning, someone who knows you well may get a bit suspicious on how you've been supporting yourself.

Be good with your money and don't be extravagant. Have a reasonable explanation of where it comes from, not that its really anyone else's business, but some people will wonder how a student or shop assistant can afford all this stuff you're buying. It could be you won lotto or had an inheritance if you want to spend up large or just let people assume it comes from a regular job. But remember a retail assistant usually can't afford to spend $10,000 on a new car after three months work.

You may have heard the term talking like a sailor, well something I've noticed is sex workers talking like hookers. I've noticed that they tend to use different language when talking about sex, things like "oral", "greek" and "girlfriend experience" rather than the informal slang commonly used outside of the sex industry. Also included in this is excessive use of nick-names like "babe" or "hun" instead of real names or personalised nick-names or contrarily, voicing your disdain for these generic nick-names and totally avoiding using them in your personal life.

Everyone likes to have a laugh, and sometimes people joke about sexwork. If you're going to joke about sexwork don't use accurate pricing, go way too high or way too low or use weird numbers like $88.80 that no one would actually charge. Joking with your friend about charging say $180 for sex is just a little bit too knowledgeable. Accurate pricing, to someone who knows what you're talking about, makes it sound like you know what you're talking about.

If there happens to be other sexworkers working from the same location that you work from, odds are you'll get to know them and maybe you'll run into them in your personal life or you may end up socialising together outside of work. The point is you know who they are and what they've done. So identifying your current or former colleagues to other people outside of the industry may not be the wisest idea. Slagging that girl off for being a whore or maybe outing her to her boyfriend can raise some questions such as, "How do you know she's a whore?" especially if you do it more than once (and the person you're telling knows you're right). Outing another sex worker can be a step towards outing yourself. Although this can also happen accidentally if you're talking about work with another sex worker and someone happens to overhear your conversation.

Check your facebook privacy settings, and display picture. It could happen that a client happens to be a friend of a friend and recognises you in your picture if it shows your face. If you happen to be friends with a lot of sex workers on facebook, having your friends list public means may not be the best idea because then anyone can see who you're friends with if they happen to look. The best idea is to not share any information publicly that you don't want the general public to know.

When you leave the sex industry you don't want it following you. Unfortunately you're going to run into someone from your past at some point. Maybe it's someone who you worked with or maybe its a former client. Assuming you happen to be with people you don't want to know about your former life things can get a bit awkward. The girl you used to work with might call you by your working name instead of your real name in front of your mum, or a former client might not be a gentleman and think that you'll be giving it up for free now and approach you in public. Haing a pre-thought out plan for if this happens can help you not to end up standing there with a stupid look on your face or having to run and hide.

Postscript: We are aware that the question is often asked - would you date or marry a sexworker? The answers are usually many and varied revealing a cross-section of societies opinions and attitudes to sex workers which is one reason why many sex workers want to keep their occupation to themselves.

Conversely though a similar question arises in the conversations of sex workers and this is a hard one: Could you date a guy who has paid for sex? Would you date a guy that hates sex workers? These aren't questions that come up very often, but in the case of sex workers, they could matter, if only for the freedom of enjoying and being open with your partner about all aspects of and some of the experiences in your life which contributed to who you who you are up to this point.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Flirting and Squirting

My Nanna when she was alive was an incorrigible flirt.  Even as she was dying in hospital, she was batting her eyelashes at and flirting with the male nurses, who were generous enough to humour her and play along.  She used to say that every man deserves to be flirted with, that it's good for them.  I've inherited her philosophy.  I can't help myself.  A man in any situation or mood will soon have a twinkle in his eye if a woman seizes the chance to flirt lightly with him, and an opportunity shouldn't be passed over in my opinion.  

It's good for us to have a good, old-fashioned flirt.  I'm talking flirting, not sleazy, suggestive comments when out in the real world.  These are not appropriate for the general public for a woman or a man to be leering with language, but I am more than happy to give as good as I get in my boudoir should a man wish for the flirting to elevate to talking dirty.

Completely unrelated is squirting - or maybe it's just a few steps forward from flirting.  Squirting is another thing, like the g-spot that some people are suspicious about.  Some think that it is just a woman urinating.  However, the liquid that happens during squirting does not resemble urine. Squirting as a service is sometimes provided by ladies who do PSE or who charge extra for it.  I maintain that it is not always easy to orgasm or squirt on demand, but I do have a friend who has been known to squirt up to 5 times in an hour.  

I don't advertise myself as a squirter as I do not do it on demand but I have enjoyed squirting with a couple of clients of mine.  One particular client I had loves to make women squirt and is very good at it, although when he'd told me he was going to on the phone, I did think "yeah, right".  The dude who talks up his sexual prowess on the phone is sometimes the nightmare of most hookers as they can be just unsatisfying "try-hards," (and trying too hard can result in painful lady parts).  Most men are unlikely to big-note like that but this guy was quite right about what he was able to do.  Much to my delight.

One theory is that most women, if they are able to come, are able to squirt, but the body during orgasm does not always allow for it to always be released if a woman is holding on tight while coming, which is often the natural inclination, or maybe it's a learned thing (to be in control of the sensation or maybe not to lose control so that we don't disturb the neighbours, or your parents who could be in the house or whatever and don't realise the male guest staying over has snuck into your room, haha).  In fact I saw this theory discussed on Oprah so it must be true! 

I know one thing and that is that I am always putty in the hands of a man who is generous enough to do things that cause me pleasure and especially if it involves his skill with making me squirt.  It is quite an extraordinary and mind-blowing sensation.  There are a few things in life that cause a strange and inimitable buzz of achievement - one is immediately after childbirth when being presented with your newborn babe, an indescribable feeling of pride and wonder for both parents - and incomparably of course, in its small, humble way, squirting is another; how did this sensation come to my body with this tangibility?

While flirting is actually quite a generous gesture that can brighten the day of another, squirting is, unmistakeably, the same, but obviously of a much more intimate nature. 

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

A Way to Spend Money

Sex work is about sex and money, so I often think about money and what to do with it.  Money is just a tool with which we build our freedom, but not having any of this freedom-tool is not much fun at all.  And yet I am surprised at the drama that surrounds so much to do with sex workers' money.  Not least by ourselves.  I guess this has to do with the fact that at any time we may have to stop sex work, usually because of some kind of drama.  Must we have so much drama?  (Not necessarily).  Why do so many well-paid sex workers carry so much debt and have such stress around money?  The more money you get, the more you fear losing it.  I guess more so if you've scrimped and saved and not let yourself enjoy having it at the time.

Money is obviously such a great divider too, and we're always using it as a reason to judge.  People hate "rich pricks" as much as they hate to see people they assume are beneficiaries who happen to have cigarettes, booze and chocolate in their shopping trolleys.  We always want to tell other people how to spend their money, or mock the way money is spent or "wasted."  CEOs who earn at least 5 times more than their lowest paid staff are common, and frequently moaned about.  The ex-husband of a friend of mine overseas was made redundant and received a very golden handshake, a 7 figure amount!  It seems outrageous, but he had to leave the country to find a new job in his field, and his work was what he loved to do.

People also hate that sex workers get so much "easy" money.  One of the things people moan about in the comments on news sites whenever something comes up about sex work is that sex workers don't pay tax.  This is true, some do not, and some intend to but have not got around to it yet, some feel they can't because it will "out" them or because they are in receipt of a benefit, which they intend to get off, but don't know when that opportunity will come because income from sex work is never constant and can not be relied upon.

Paying tax (ie filing tax returns etc) is actually not that straightforward (not that that should stop anyone).  If you're legit as an escort, you also have to pay an ACC levy (the code is 95300 for Brothel Keeping, Massage Parlour and Prostitution Services).  This means that you have to either let the government know you're a sex worker or come up with some other creative title that will fit nicely into a different category.  I've asked IRD about this on behalf of a friend, no seriously, on behalf of a young woman who wanted to be a sex worker and do the right thing.  Sometimes it's hard to get a straight answer from these government employees, but I'm pretty sure the man on the phone waffled something along the lines of that they don't really care what you say you do, they just want their tax.  Correct me if I'm wrong.

So what else should we do with our money besides invest it for our retirement?  Because it can be quite a shock to have so much.  I really like the idea of Natalie Pace's Thrive Budget.

The Thrive Budget advises that 10% is spent on a retirement fund which is tax deductible (in New Zealand KiwiSaver gives a member tax credit).  The Thrive Budget also allows 10% for your favourite charities, which is tax deductible.  Now is the time to be generous to your favourite causes, and of course, to keep the receipts - I think it is 33% of your donation that you get back?  We sex workers are in a much stronger position financially than many others, it's fun to share the love.  It's good to ask ourselves what we believe in and put some money towards a cause - it's a great way to realise how well off you actually are and be grateful that you are in a position to help those who are worse off.

Spending money on fun should be a conscious thing, otherwise you can just fritter your money away on impulse spending to get some fleeting pleasure.  Natalie Pace says you should allocate a whopping 20% of what you earn on your own considered pleasure.  I have a few nice hobbies and interests that bring me pleasure, and it's nice to be able to justify spending money on what makes me feel good.  I love to spend money on art, especially if I am encouraging young artists.  It's a feel good thing and I have beautiful things to look at, watch, listen to, remember.  I adore it when talented people do creative stuff, and I love to attend art shows, live music events, plays and films, especially on opening nights when the mood is full of excitement and a lot of effort has gone into making it a real occasion.  So naturally if there is a project of a creative nature that needs some financial input, I'm so there!  I'm a big fan of Kickstarter too.  In the last 12 months I have supported a few, including Red Hot (if you look carefully at the credits when they flash across the screen for 1 second, you will see Amber O'Hara under Producers), the Cam Girlz documentary (still in production), and another cute project called Sit, Stay, Ride (nearing completion).  We all have our pet causes and encouraging people who bring beauty to the world is mine.  On a more frivolous note, I also love short but luxurious holidays and French perfume from the houses of Chanel, Dior, Hermes, Rochas etc.

A friend of mine in Sydney loves to spend her money on new clothing in nice fabrics designed by up and coming fashion designers.  If you're a dude who has discretionary funds to spend on pleasures of your flesh, 20% could get you time with a lot of hookers, what fun, among other things that give you a thrill.

10% should also be spent on or saved for education, our own or our children's (some of this is tax deductible too, if they are business-related courses or seminars, for an existing business).  I'm considering going back to university in 2016 but in this case I will not be able to make a claim on my fees however it certainly would feel great to save 10% of my money towards my education in the meantime.

The other allocation of 50% in the Thrive budget is for day to day expenses including taxes.  This should be doable on a sex worker's income.

My aim is to eventually have such low expenses that I can one day live a simple life with very little money needed.  I already have enough stuff.  The real riches in my life are family, friends and beauty, and you don't need a lot of money for these things in the end, even beauty.  I guess it depends where we see beauty or how eagerly we choose to remember beautiful experiences.  They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is it a matter of teaching our eyes to behold it wherever we are and whomever we are with?

So far be it from me to tell you how to spend your money, despite the title of this blog post.  Money is a personal thing, but even when poor, one can still felt rich, especially in New Zealand where we are surrounded by amazing natural beauty at every turn.  And apparently a feeling of luxury can be got from even the little experiences.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Orgasms - the great anti-aging secret?

Jane Fonda - still hot in her advancing years - although she admits she has had plastic surgery, she is open about a happy sex life and her appreciation of porn.  Could this be the real reason she still has a rather sexy twinkle in her eye?

I've lost count of the number of people who have told me in the last year, since I upped my sexual activity by getting back into sex work, how young I look.  I'm not just talking about clients either, who sometimes express surprise when I reveal my real age, (which I am happy to do by the way), while the deliberately vague "40s" stays in my advertising to protect my anonymity.  Also in my "straight" life, which is the corner of my life where my non-sex working friends and family are kept, I frequently receive comments about how well I seem to be keeping, or how I don't look a day over 35, or how good my skin is etc.  And often these comments are followed by the question, "so what is your secret?"

When this is asked of me, I often suck a bit of air between my teeth, before starting with "Well actually..." and depending on who asked the question, a variety of answers are given.  More often than not though, I am happy to look the person in the eye and calmly reply "orgasms".  Sometimes I am then faced with embarrassed titters, or a loud belly-laugh, as if I was joking, and sometimes I am even met with knowing glances in return, and occasionally, I even get a request for more information.

Of course women of a certain age, are commonly flattered about how youthful we look, and this is probably not always truthful, maybe it's a mere compliment designed to make our day.  I'm happy to take that though, I love a sweet person who is trying to make the world a better place, one positive action or word at a time.

A beautiful girlfriend of mine (not a sex worker) told me she often looks at her long-time partner across a room somewhere and still finds him breath-takingly hot.  I kind of know where that leads.  It's obvious she has a satisfying love-life.  It's not for me to pry, but when she told me how her partner still does it for her, my imagination gave me such a delicious mental picture that my own tendencies to get off on voyuerism had to be consciously assigned to a more appropriate moment.

So, could orgasms be the cause of a spring in our step and a renewed enthusiasm for life which reflects in our faces?  Actually, even the most expensive beauty treatments probably can not replicate the inner glow that a sexually satisfied woman naturally exudes - you can spot a woman who has wasted her or her husband's money on essential vanity treatments but she is still the same woman behind the facade and possibly only putting out on Tuesdays when and if the stars happen to be aligned in a certain formation, as if sex is a privilege to be doled out to a man only if he deserves it because of a belief that sex is without much benefit to the woman in question.

Yet there are so many benefits to be had.  Maybe orgasms could even be the magic elixir that saves mature relationships, and I mean mature in the sense of having existed for some time - in which case, it's great for a woman to take responsibility for causing her own orgasms, knowing what they are and how to get them, by herself if need be to start with.  Women still have fantasies about men and hot sex, I know they do, why do we not let ourselves go there?

I'm sure orgasms are a cure for all sorts of maladies and issues, not that I'm a doctor.  I wonder if the idea, that women own the sex in our relationships and because men supposedly get more open pleasure than women occasionally do that we can then withhold it somehow to punish or control, is really a rod for our own back.  Maybe an active and happy and fulfilling sex life with mutual orgasms and lots of them is the cure of a lot of mania and suspicion and negativity between couples, as well as an easy and affordable anti-aging and beauty treatment as I theorised above.

I do have a doctor friend that I have enjoyed discussing the subject of sex and orgasms with in the past, and he may or may not agree with my theories.  We were recently discussing male orgasms and issues around that - for example, did you know that there is a common thing that some sex workers unknowingly do which ruins a man's orgasm?  There is even a physiological reason for this particular orgasm-stopper.  But that's another blog post. Email me.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Dear Baby Hooker...

Congratulations!  You've recognised that you can put a value on something that there is a bit of a demand for and decided to become a sex worker.  Here are some things that I've gleaned over the years, or that I wish I'd known way back when.

Once you've been a sex worker, you will always be considered an ex-sex worker even if you only did it once, that's why I used the phrase "become a sex worker" rather than "try sex work".  So choose who you share this juicy tidbit with, for this can taint your reputation permanently as people project their perceptions onto you of what prostitution is.  Don't let it be a dark shadow.  It can be a positive thing.  Not every woman can do it, but there are enormous benefits, both financial and personal if you can.  

If you hate sex work from the start, please don't do it.  There are always other options.  To carry on doing something that destroys your soul for any amount of money will never be worth it, for your soul or your essence is really all you have that is yours forever.  This is my very attitude towards some jobs in the straight world that I would never in a million years consider doing, no matter what they paid me.

Use your time and money for good.  If you do sex work well, you will have lots of both.  Improve yourself.  Develop another professional or employment-related skill.  Invest in your future and in the time that you choose to stop being a sex worker.

Open a bank account specifically for your business of sex work and bank all your money into it. Yes, all of it. Get as much benefit from your money as you can by going legit. This will mean you have to pay tax, so always have a nice, generous amount (at least 25% after work-related expenses) sitting away in a separate account with a good interest rate and commit to growing your savings in yet another high interest account. Pay yourself a weekly wage to a personal account and operate your day-to-day expenses from that. Keep all your receipts for transactions from your work account and keep your bank statements. File your receipts by month, preferably in the order they appear on your bank statements.

Don't be daunted by the tax and money thing.  Money is power, and that's why you're doing this, right?  To get money.  You will also get power if you use your money wisely.  If you stay long enough and are sensible, you may even get enough money to buy property, which is a good thing.  It's nice to have somewhere of your own to live in when you are no longer earning big money, because mortgages are usually cheaper than rent, plus ideally you get to keep the house.  Sure, it's great to travel.  Widen your horizons.  Live a little.  But only spend what you've already earned and never touch your tax money or savings.  This is an employment situation which could come to a grinding halt for one reason or another at any moment so prepare for that with a prudent reserve. 

Invest in a smart phone. With complete records of text conversations, sex workers can keep track of callers in order to know who are time wasters (eg continually ask the same questions but never book or ask repeatedly for services without condoms) and who are lovely clients (eg who are polite and timely with their enquiries and bookings). You can assign different ringtones which is helpful on a busy day when it's impossible to pick up every call or text. Embrace technology. You will be getting a lot of calls. Make sure you have a tool that will work well for you. I feel bad when I see ladies pecking away on old phones. A good phone will pay for itself ten times over. Keep the receipt. It's tax deductible.

Live frugally, but allow yourself the occasional treat.  When I first got into sex work, I really wanted a particular expensive item of apparel.  I thought it would take me ages to save up for it.  It took two nights of sex work.  Don't get used to being able to buy things so quickly.  Don't spend so much money that you get too used to this standard of living, because it will not last.  Or you will not last.  

Don't work in a place where other sex workers moan constantly about clients. Keep your attitude about clients positive. Everyone is different and sex work is a great way to expose yourself to a wide variety of interesting people who you may or may not come into contact with in any other way. Something you say or do may make a real positive difference to someone's day. As well as that, I promise you will learn from your clients and some will genuinely enrich you and permanently influence you for the better if you are open-minded and tolerant of the various and wonderful people, places and things that life throws in our paths. Great opportunities often come about by chance meetings and embracing opportunities is what causes people to grow.

Having said that, don't see clients who do not make you feel good about yourself. Tell another trusted sex worker if you feel a client has ever overstepped the mark, have someone you can talk things through with, and don't see anyone again who makes you feel unwell. Never accept pressure to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Be clear on the law and always use condoms. Remember, the police are now on our side.

Go to your local NZPC and pick up their starter pack.  Buy condoms and lubricant gel - always use "lube" and don't be afraid to stop and reapply it if needed, to prevent broken condoms.  Find out where the nearest sexual health clinic is, tell them you are a sex worker and get regular checkups, tests and smears.  

Don't join in with negative people and before you share any information about yourself in confidence, be suspicious of gossips or those trying to persuade you to their cause against others. Also bear in mind that overt or covert threats to "out" you is not an issue exclusive to sex work, (although in sex work there seems to be a particular brand of crazy). Ambitious colleagues the world over betray others' secrets, especially sexual ones for some reason, to get an advantage. It's best to rise above this by ignoring and avoiding conflict where possible - it's never worth trying to be meaner than anyone as others can always "out-mean" you, especially if there is more than one of them or they are able to recruit others to their "cause" or to unwittingly do their dirty work. Just use your long arms to reach behind and pull out the knives thrown in your back and move on.

However, having said that, there are some lovely sex workers with real integrity who do attempt and sometimes even manage to keep such nastiness far away from them, even if sadly they are unable to do so geographically.  As the saying goes, the world is full of good people.  If you can't FIND one, however, make sure you ARE one.  I reiterate that there are sex workers who are doing amazing things with their lives and money, get to know them.  Be inspired.  Support your fellow sex workers.

Don't get into drugs.  They cost too much money, and they will make you unhealthy.  As I've said previously, you only live once is bullshit.  Life is actually long, you need to make sure you can last the distance.

Get to know your own body.  There is no law that says you are not allowed to enjoy what you do.  Where else on this earth will you find a situation where a bunch of focussed men want to please you sexually?  Let yourself go now and then.  Or not.  Or keep things for yourself and your private life.  It's your body.  

If you do it for a while and you eventually have enough of sex work and/or it's too hard as a woman and/or you must use mind-altering substances including lots of alcohol to be able to tolerate it, get the fuck out. This is now the time to call on those other aspects of your talents or build on the ones you have already invested in and improve your career options. You may be able to come back to sex work later when you are older and will have completely different clientele as well as a changed perspective on life and sexuality based on your own experience. I came back after a very long break and I enjoy it more than ever.

I wish you enjoyment and personal strength as well as self-betterment.

With love from your supporter,
Amber O'Hara

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Cleanliness and godliness

The other day I was in a cafe and there was a young mother at the next table.  She screwed up her nose a bit and said to her son, about 11 years old, "have you had a shower today?"  He was quick to say yes, but I quickly glanced at his mother and she was looking doubtful.  One of the boys I used to hang out with when I was little told me once that all he had to do was wash his knees and his mum would think he'd had a wash.  There are always tricks people try, to avoid getting in that god-damned shower.

One of the first things a sex worker normally asks of her client is "would you like to take a shower?"  Many people say, "Oh, I've just had one".  I usually inwardly smile when it takes me back to my youth and the boy who was the knee-washer.  Some are reluctant to have a shower but do so anyway.  Once back in the room however, we can tell if a man is really clean or has only washed his knees, as it were. 

I can understand that reluctance.  Not everyone has their own private shower, and some don't have that much room in the shower, either.  Is the water flow decent and does it feel clean, or will they leave the shower feeling dirtier than before?  

The only time when you should feel dirtier when you leave the shower, is when you have this kind of shower:  I once did a double with a woman, who was a queen at incorporating a sexy wash time into her session.  I came up the stairs and into our room to join in and she was already in the shower with our client.  It sure did look hot.  She was bending over and he was behind her reaching down and fondling her.  Then she stood up, raised her arms to lean on the top of the shower door with her hands, turned her head so they could kiss while he continued to soap her torso.  It was very exciting being a voyeur, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be she or he at that moment.  They both looked like they were having a very dirty time indeed.  Water was splashing all over her face, ruining her make up, but by the end of our time with this lovely man, both of us had less than our original make-up left on our faces anyway, a small sacrifice to make for the filthy fun that was had.

The Japanese do metaphors especially well, I remember going to karaoke bars and noticing that the romantic parts of the videos were getting too steamy, they'd be cut rather skillfully to lots of watery shots - water being an erotic symbol: juiciness and purity all at once.  I was in Japan a couple of times last century, and at one place I rented in the heart of Tokyo, we didn't have a shower, so we had to go to the public bathhouses.  We kneeled in front of little showers and soaped ourselves up, rinsed ourselves off and then soaked in a very hot bath.  The soaping up was quite a ritual.  While I was lathering myself up, I used to like to hold eye contact with the man who sat on a very high chair on top of the wall that divided the men from the women.  I wonder if he's ever had such a bolshy redhead in front of him since?  

What could be nicer than a warm up together and a good old sudsy splash under the water?  There is nothing like sharing a humble shower - quite a fine way to begin some dirty fun.  (I also like to shower together afterwards if possible, just to make sure I'm sending a man home spic and span.)

The assisted washing thing is practically Biblical, even the Pope humbly likes to wash the feet of his devotees, although obviously not in the same way as the washing that goes on at Soaplands, (which is a concept like many other kinky treats, devised by the naughty Japanese I believe to by-pass their anti-prostitution laws), or in the showers of saucy working girls.  It's kind of nice to give a dude such godly treatment as part of the divine act of sex work, or should that be sex play.